My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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