In America we eat man semen.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
