Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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