omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
