this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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