I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
