I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
