First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
