Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
