someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
