I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
