she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
