oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
