so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
