Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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