babies were throwing up all over the place
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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