well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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