I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
