and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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