Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
