I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
