I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize