i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
