a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
