I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
time to smoke my breakfast
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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