I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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