Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
