so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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