Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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