I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
