Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
