I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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