I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
