i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
