You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
