i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
