Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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