i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
