i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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