i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
