he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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