I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
