your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
