If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
