she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
