I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I FOUND THE LEGS
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
