the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
