Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
