Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
