Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
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