This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
