im six kinds of drunk right now
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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