I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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