Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
