last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
