drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
