I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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