Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
