I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
