This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
